This morning one school bus arrived at 7:20 to transport two children to junior high and high school for the first day of school, a normal occurance for many years now. The major change this year, however, is that one hour later, another school bus came to take my youngest to her first ALL day experience as a 1st grader. Why is this so difficult? I should be jumping for joy, ecstatic at having entire days at my disposal to eat chocolate, watch daytime television and generally do nothing. No more interruptions during the day while I'm attempting to do my Bible study, blog or bake. No more whining for snacks, watching tv or playing on the computer. No more two hour grocery trips begging my little one to stay with me, asking her to stop touching everything or telling her to put the candy or gum back. No more "not now", "later", or "in a minute". No more noise.
Ahhhh, I hate it already. In all my longing for peace and quiet, I love hearing that little, not so quiet voice. I love hearing her playing mommy to her dolls. I love listening to her voice read to me, sounding out difficult words. I love having her ask me to close my eyes so she can show me how she made her bed or cleaned the bathroom (everything lined up neatly across the counter). I love her cuddling up next to me to tell me she loves me. I love the spontaneous notes she writes to her daddy and me.
Yes, I shed some tears this morning. It's too quiet here. This is such a surprise to me, these emotions. I'm grieving the loss of what was and will never be again. I spent some time asking God for direction in this new phase of life I'm in. I realize there are new doors He will open, opportunities for ministry and work. But, I still don't like this right now. I want that little girl back with all her spunk and love, her "life's a party" mentality and humor and yes, even her disobedience and destructiveness. It's just way too quiet!
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2 comments:
I hear you, friend. I was doing fine until I read this and now I'm crying again. It is a period of mourning, definitely. Your call and comment meant so much to me, friend. Thank you.
I'll be praying for you, too. I can't wait to see where God leads you. You're a great mom with great kids and more great adventures on the horizon... more chapters in your Beautiful Life. Love you.
Uggh, I dread the day my babies will enter their first school. Our children are such a joy. Although it's sad, enjoy this new time of a little extra freedom. Take advantage of it!!!
Amy
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