Loss

I didn’t realize that it would be the last time I saw my father-in-law, Forest. Each year, our family trekked to Washington State to visit both Tony’s and my side of the family. My two daughters, Alix and Maddie, and I were eating lunch with Forest as I commented on how good he looked. Months before, his health was precarious, and we had anticipated hearing bad news any day. However, surprisingly, he had bounced back after changing his diet and losing some weight. I knew he was feeling healthy when he resumed golfing again. Life seemed to be looking up.

What a shock it was when Tony received a phone call just three months later that his stepdad had passed away hours after returning home from playing golf! I was shocked. How could this be? When I saw Forest last July, he was in the best health I’d ever seen him. The whole situation felt surreal. It seemed like I should’ve have somehow had some foreknowledge that this was coming. A chance to say goodbye would’ve made me feel better about this whole thing.

Events like this over the past several months have caused me to ponder this idea of “last moments”. Would I have treasured the time I had with Forest more had I known he would leave this world just a few months later? Would I have savored and enjoyed my visit more with both my in-laws? I have to confess that I had managed to endure these yearly visits rather than look forward to them.

Fast forward to this past March and imagine my amazement when Tony’s mom was admitted to the hospital and one month later was promoted to heaven. I was able to converse with her briefly while she was in the hospital even though she could barely communicate back. How inconceivable to me that this once energetic, vibrant personality was lying semi-comatose in a hospital bed. I wondered how one could enter the hospital for a surgery that was quite successful, yet take such a turn for worse…and never recover.

Even more than that, why didn’t I value the time I had with her during our visits? Yes, she could be difficult; yes, she was insecure; yes, she could tell the same stories over and over again. Yet, never in my wild imagination did it occur to me that the possibility of interacting with my mother-in-law, of hearing her stories for the umpteenth time, of exposing my children to the resilience and persistence of this godly woman would come to an end so soon.

Tony’s mom, Darlene, had not only lived through the depression, but had also endured marriage to an abusive alcoholic and subsequent divorce. She persisted in her Christian walk during devastating circumstances. Darlene met Tony’s dad, experienced a wonderful marriage and raised 4 children with not a lot of means. She then survived her husband’s death from pancreatic cancer and was able to experience marriage again to a friend from high school. Darlene was a survivor, a fighter! While I knew all this and admired her character, I tended to focus on her flaws…as if I have any room to talk!

Thus, I have been ruminating since Darlene’s death in April, “Do I cherish the time I spend with my loved ones? Do I make the most of that time as if it could be the last?” It’s not that I am now a doomsayer and think the worst might happen; it’s simply that I want to enjoy the moments while I am with the ones I love…even if they are difficult people. I want to live with no regrets!

Earlier this summer my family and I traveled to California to celebrate my grandmother’s 90th birthday. The last time I visited with my namesake, she had just turned 85, and truthfully, I’m not sure I pondered as I did this time that it might be the last time I see her. She’s a healthy, vibrant woman with a mind that is still sharp as a tack. A kind, gentle woman, who most likely handed down to me my “blonde” brain, she is proud of her legacy. She stood in awe and said, “I can’t believe I did all this”, speaking of her 3 children, 10 grandchildren and 19 great grandchildren. Lois is not in denial, however. She related that the doctor gave her a clean bill of health, but she said, “I could die tomorrow.” That kind of talk makes me want to stick my fingers in my ears and say, “La, la, la, la, la, I’m not listening.” And, yet, I know it’s true. There are no guarantees in this life…even if all the tests come back great.

The point is this: savor the time you have with those you love. I wanted to soak up every minute with my grandma. I desired my kids to know the kind of person she is, hear her life stories and experience her kindness and unconditional acceptance. Someday the opportunity to communicate with her will be taken from me, and just like the unexpected deaths of my in-laws, I won’t be prepared. Yet, I can learn a valuable lesson from the past events of this year. Don’t take the people in your lives or the time you have with them for granted. No matter how challenging the relationship might be, value, love and accept the time God has given you with those you love.