Our Tooth Fairy Must Be Blonde

I'm very concerned about our Tooth Fairy. I don't know if you've ever experienced this problem before, but I have multiple times now. To be more accurate, our kids have. It's heart-breaking to watch these kids of mine arise in the morning, excited to see what the Tooth Fairy has left in exchange for their itty bitty teeth, and then...wails and sobs break out because they have received absolutely NOTHING! That dirty, rotten, scoundrel Tooth Fairy. How dare she (or he) forget my children.

It's incredible to observe how creative this Loser Tooth Fairy has become over the years. On one occasion money magically appeared underneath the pillow after the child had awakened and left the bedroom. How did the Tooth Fairy manage to do that so sneakily, and how could the child be so naive to think that he missed seeing the money in the first place? Another time, that savvy Tooth Fairy placed that dollar inside the pillow case and forgot to take the tooth. We simply explained to our daughter that the TF probably wanted her to keep her tooth for posterity. She bought it, hook, line and sinker.

And the latest episode of the TF with Alzheimer's occurred a few days ago. A groggy, distraught Maddie plodded into my bathroom in the morning upset because once again the TF forgot to leave money. "I checked everywhere, even in the pillow case!" Picking up my daughter, I stepped into the kitchen speaking loudly to hubby, "Can you believe that the Tooth Fairy forgot to leave money AGAIN?" Wink, wink. He's getting the picture clearly, and as I hand him my wallet, he sneaks out to the rugrat's bedroom. A few minutes later, he appears saying that he thinks the Tooth Fairy did visit during the night, but left the money in a different place this time. The Tooth Fairy loves a good scavenger hunt! Walking into her bedroom, Maddie begins checking under all the pillows, looks behind the bed and doesn't find anything until daddy says, "You didn't check underneath your baby's pillow!" Wow, he's so smart. How'd he think of that? Well, there lay four quarters ready to be handled by her grubby, little hands. "But, she always leaves a dollar!" Maddie cried.

Forget the Tooth Fairy, we need to work on this girl's math! All's well that ends well. Sigh.

Caught With the Chocolate Calories AGAIN!

Saturday morning, Tony, Maddie and I (the only ones up at that point in the morning) were eating our pancakes and eggs while having a very interesting conversation.

Me: Maddie, what do you want to have to drink?

Maddie: I'll have water 'cause it has lots of calories.

Me: No, it doesn't.

Tony: What do you know about calories, Maddie?

Maddie: Mommy eats her calories.

Me: I do? What calories do I eat?

Maddie: Chocolate calories.

Ahhhhhh, caught again. I should know better than to think I can hide anything from that little sneak. All I can say is I inherited my deep love for chocolate calories. Dark chocolate anyone?

Unbelievably Scandalous Behavior

Remember that little book I was reading to Maddie? The one about s.e.x? If you are totally confused, scroll down a couple of posts to get the gist of what I am about to relay next.

Maddie, apparently, decided it was "share" day at Sunday School yesterday. As I was attempting to put her name tag on for her class, she would not take her coat off so I could apply it to her shirt. I mistakenly thought she was cold and wanted to keep her coat on longer. So, I told her to just open up her coat, so I could slip on her name tag. She didn't want to. "I'll just take it and put it on myself." I insisted on putting it on her, and lo and behold...if she wasn't hiding the book, Where Do Babies Come From?, underneath her coat! My little, sneaky daughter was preparing to share with her friends, Hope, Ashley AND Daxton, all about the birds and the bees. And, yes, the book does contain pictures of a boy's and girl's body parts. Not a good thing to share in Sunday School. I believe she realized that it was inappropriate since she was sneaking the contraband in her coat.

You know that security line you stand in at the airport? Perhaps we need to have a security checkpoint before entering Sunday School so that any questionable material can be confiscated. I can just picture children having to remove everything from their pockets...rocks, gum wrappers, toy rings, coins...before they can come through the doors. Suspicious looking kids like Maddie will get patted down and have to remove their shoes and coats just in case they've stashed inappropriate objects in order to influence innocent children.

In any case, I'm so thankful to have avoided the scandal Maddie could've caused had she succeeded in her endeavors. Is it possible that she might have been kicked out of Sunday School? I'm not quite sure what sort of punishment one gets for bringing an s.e.x. book to the Kindergarten/First grade class. I hope to never find out, either. You can be sure that I'LL be patting her down before we get in the car each week!

All About the Birds and the Bees

Recently, I begin reading to Maddie the book Where Do Babies Come From?, which is one book from the new Learning About Sex series. Each Christian-based book is geared towards different ages. This particular book is for 6-8 year-olds. Maddie saw a picture of a pregnant mommy which showed the baby inside of her and displayed the area where the baby comes out. I watched her face grow more and more confused as she compared the size of the baby's head with the size of the birth canal. Finally, she blurted out, "Uh, Mom, that baby's head is too big to come out there!" I then had to explain that it does get bigger when it's time for the baby to be born.

Me: But, that's not how you were born, Maddie. I had a C-section with you.

Maddie: What's a C-section?

Me: That's when you have a surgery and the doctor takes the baby out. I didn't have a C-section with Nick and Alix.

Maddie: I know...they came out the pipe!

Hmm...I guess in the book, it DOES sort of look like a pipe. We may need to have a few more discussions about this topic, I'm thinking. Just as long as she doesn't go to school and start telling her friends about the "pipe", we'll be ok.

Caught Cheating

Maddie let her fingers do the tapping of the phone numbers to call her little red-head friend a couple of days ago. She could hardly stand that I forced her to finish her homework first, mean mommy that I am. "I'm going to put her on speaker phone again," she declares.

Me: "You don't really need to do that."

Maddie: "But, I'm going to."

Someone please help me. If this determined, smart-alecky, independent attitude continues, she may not survive to see the dawning of her 16th birthday. I wonder if she'll be so adamant about her speaker phone conversation when she's a teenager. Somehow, I doubt it!

While Maddie is conversing, my ears perk up. "My mom banished me from doing my homework on the bus."

Little red-head friend: "Why?"

Maddie: "Because Connor was helping me with my homework, and he gave me all the answers."

At least she's not afraid to be honest. Yes, she came home one day from school with her homework already completed. Unusual...not like my Maddie at all. She proudly tells me that she did her homework on the bus, and she doesn't have to worry about doing it now. Red flags waved wildly in my face. "So," I ask, "Did someone help you?" I'm immediately thinking of her 6th grade friend, Hannah. "Yes, Connor helped me." Hmmmm....Connor is a 1st grader too. But, I'm seriously doubting that Maddie could figure these math answers out all by her lonesome. "Did he tell you the answers, Maddie?" Sheepishly, she softly responds, "Yes."

Yep, my daughter was guilty of cheating. Thus, she was most emphatically "banned" from doing any homework on the bus. Her punishment? I erased all the answers and made her re-do the paper. Then, I had to assist her with her homework! I believe she's learned her lesson.

Magpie Maddie Displays Signs of Airy Disorder

Just last night this airhead disease cropped up in our soon to be 7-year-old girl. I'm not sure if it will be a full-fledged illness as it is with her older blond sister. For now, we are taking a wait and see attitude until we've had more time to observe her actions.

While on the phone with another 1st grade friend from school, Chatty Cathy (aka Maddie) chirped nonstop. "Why are you calling me?"

"Oh, you wanted to see how I was doing?"

"You got my number from Connor?" (Those cursed boys!)

"Oh, let me put you on speaker phone!" (Gee, I don't even know how to do that.)

"My brother, Nick, showed me how to do it." (Hey Nick, how about showing your anti-techy mom?)

In between the sentences, it's a giggle, giggle here and a giggle, giggle there. Then, little 1st grade red-head friend is attempting to ask her mom to do the speaker phone thingy. Her mom is clueless too. So, little red-head friend begins to push buttons haphazardly and hangs up on Maddie. She calls right back. They have soooo much to discuss. Maddie puts her back on speaker phone so we can all participate in this lovely conversation. It's so inspiring.

I hear Maddie say to her that after they hang up, she's going to put a pencil and paper in her backpack. Apparently Maddie is going to write little red-head friend's phone number down at school the next day. "Oh, wait! I have a great idea. How about I get a pencil and write your number down now?"

Little red-head friend: "That's what I was thinking you could do!" (Excitement, giggle, giggle.)

Maddie writes the number down, repeats it back in case she made a mistake, and says, "Do you want to write my number down, too?" Silence. I comment to her and the speaker phone, "Maddie, she has your number. She called you." "Oh, yeah!" she laughs...giggle, giggle.

The blond disease has erupted. Let's hope it doesn't spread. BTW ("By the way" for those of you who aren't clued in on the new abbreviations), the rest of the conversation was a completely silly discussion about getting a "couple" (that's right, boyfriend-girlfriend) back together at recess the following day. I foresee a couple of careers for this girl...a budding matchmaker or the star of a new movie, "Legally Blonde 3".

A Little Anecdote or Two

Anecdote 1
A couple of weeks ago I noticed a towel placed underneath our silk ficus tree. "What's that towel doing under the silk tree, Tony?" "Oh, Maddie tried to water it."

Anecdote 2
Maddie came home from school on the last Friday before Christmas break, saw me vacuuming her room and asked me to turn it off because she had something exciting to tell me. I, not wanting to break my cleaning rhythm, asked her to tell me with the vacuum running. "Look what I got!" she said showing me a tube of mini M&M's. "I won all the tests today!" It seems she's confused between taking tests and "earning" a good grade and "winning" something.

Anecdote 3
Tony and I were ordering food at a deli in town when he asked about the soups. He settled on the Chicken Tortilla soup, then promptly asked the server if it contained any meat. I looked at Tony, saying, "Yeah, it has 'chicken' in it." I guess it had been a stressful day for him, and it was too much for him to grasp. I'm wondering if he's been coloring his hair dark to cover up the blonde. I'm so glad that I have someone I can relate to in my family besides my daughter, Alix.

Interesting Conversations

Don't you love Thanksgiving? It is the only holiday in which presents are not a concern, although Maddie did ask last night when we were going to open presents. She expressed huge disappointment that we do not actually open presents on Thanksgiving. Actually, the reverse is true. We give gifts of gratitude to our Savior instead!

Anyway, earlier this week I had an illuminating dialogue with Tony regarding "shopping". After all, we all know that the day after Thanksgiving is an extremely important day for people like me who are freakish enough to venture out into the maddening craziness and overwhelming lines of other freaks waiting to buy stuff our kids don't need for Christmas all in the name of saving money. I happen to enjoy doing this. As we were conversing, I explained the schedule for the day. After perusing the sales ads on Thanksgiving and determining which deals were worth awaking at 4 am, driving half asleep to the store and fighting other crazies over, we would then perhaps make our way to better shopping in Indianapolis if necessary. We would be gone until late. The kids would be cranky and dragging by the end of the day, but who cares. After all, we are saving money by doing this. I further declared that Saturday would be the official "Decorate the Tree and House" day.

Imagine my shock when my husband responds, "Why don't we put the tree up Friday when we get home?"

Me: "No, that won't work because we won't be home until late. We'll be too tired."

Tony: "Well, what you're talking about doing is only going to take a matter of a couple of hours."

Me: "What, are you kidding? No way. Shopping is more than looking in stores. It's an entire experience. You shop, you take a break for coffee, you shop, you have a snack, you shop, you eat lunch, etc. This is going to take all day. We're putting the tree up Saturday."

End of discussion. Bottom line: he may stay home. I warned him that I wasn't putting up with any cranky attitudes.

Fast forward two days to the next conversation...Maddie is discussing the trials she is having with another little girl in her classroom over a boy named Seth. They both like him, and she is troubled by this. "Mom, we both want him." Want? Want him for what? I'm a little concerned about this girl.

5 minutes later...Maddie is supposed to be brushing her teeth in the bathroom but comes back to me in the kitchen to relay an important revelation.

Maddie: "Mom, I don't like "saxy" (translation: sexy). " I tell you, we've got problems here.

Me: "Do you mean "sexy"? Do know what that means?"

Maddie: "You know, when girls try to be "saxy" (she's still saying it like this) and wear "saxy" clothes." She then goes through the charade of showing me she's talking about short sleeve shirts and even shirts that come off the shoulders.

Me: "Boys like girls who are pretty inside...like kind and loving."

Maddie: "Yes, I know mom. That's why I said in the bathroom that I don't want to be "saxy"."

I hope she's still saying that when she's 16. Somehow, I doubt it. I think we'll be locking her up.

Guilty or Innocent?

Last night at our high school football game, free-spirited Maddie found her friend Daxton to play with. While Tony and I sit up in the stands, Maddie and Daxton love to run down the stairs and play, sometimes venturing under the bleachers, literally hanging around on the poles underneath. During one of the times Maddie and Daxton bounded up the stairs to check on us parents, I asked her what they were doing. "We're just playing halfway under the bleachers."

"No, I mean what are you doing under there?"

"Well," she says, "we're not playing boyfriend and girlfriend."

Hmmmmm. I think we've got trouble. She better not be "playing" boyfriend and girlfriend under the bleachers when she's 16. Guilty or innocent? I say she's guilty by reason of her admission of what they were definitely not doing!

When It Rains, It Pours!

A few days ago, while my husband was in Salt Lake City, an eruption of great magnitude occurred in my bathroom...my toilet overflowed. Now, while this is not a regular occurrance, it is something that has happened frequently enough to warrant purchasing a handy dandy plunger no family should be without. So, of course, the first thing I did was run for the plunger. Let me tell you, I plunged that toilet not once, but twice, no three...I take that back...four times. Actually, I've lost count. You'd have thought I'd have gained some wisdom that continuous plunging at this point was not going to work, especially with crap now flowing like a river over the side and onto the tile floor. Did I stop? NO! I tried just one more time while Maddie was screaming, "Mommy, call the plunger...NOW! You need the plunger!" Yes, she meant the plumber!

She recognizes a job too big for her mom. What did I do? Of course, I called Roto-Rooter! In the meantime, after I had completely mopped the floor and cleaned the toilet area as best I could while waiting 4 hours for Plungerman, I inadvertantly left the bathroom door open while attending to lunch. I woke up a few seconds later as one name burst into my blonde brain, "Bella!" Yes, Bella, our dog, was at that very moment slurping up the mess in the toilet. In fact, she managed to lap up, in my estimation, about two 8 ounce glasses worth of you know what. We have since changed her name to Potty Mouth.
Posted at 07:59 pm by astonger