One Trip You Don’t Need to Take!
Many of us take vacations each summer to take a break from our normal routines, enjoy undivided family time and indulge in much-needed relaxation. Unfortunately, those trips don’t seem to last long enough, a week or two at the most. On the contrary, as a woman, I have found myself taking the same trip over and over the past…hmmm…30 plus years. You know the one I’m talking about. The infamous Guilt Trip. Yep, I seem to repeat this trip often, sometimes against my will and better judgment. Why do I do this? Why do I beat myself up for what I do or don’t do, should or shouldn’t do?
Many of us take vacations each summer to take a break from our normal routines, enjoy undivided family time and indulge in much-needed relaxation. Unfortunately, those trips don’t seem to last long enough, a week or two at the most. On the contrary, as a woman, I have found myself taking the same trip over and over the past…hmmm…30 plus years. You know the one I’m talking about. The infamous Guilt Trip. Yep, I seem to repeat this trip often, sometimes against my will and better judgment. Why do I do this? Why do I beat myself up for what I do or don’t do, should or shouldn’t do?
One of the areas I’ve felt guilty over during the last few months is not accomplishing enough at home. After all, I am a stay-at-home mom, so my house should be spotless, right? Why do I feel the need to explain my productiveness to my husband who has been at work all day? I certainly wouldn’t want him to consider me a slacker, so I must spout off, “I have done 2.5 loads of laundry, put the dishes in the dishwasher, swept the kitchen floor (well, maybe ½ of it, but I feel the need to stretch things a bit), and folded the towels that have been laying on the couch for three days.” Why do I need to make myself feel better by relating all I have accomplished for the day, and why do I feel guilty about telling him that I shared lunch with friends or spent much needed time reading a book? Why do I put so much emphasis on what I am doing (the outward) and spend little time just being (the inward)?
Another guilt-ridden area has to do with raising my children. You know, my parenting just isn’t adequate enough; I should be doing a better job. Why is it that often times when I hear about a great idea that is working in a friend’s family, guilt emerges? Ever been around someone who mentions that they are having family devotions weekly and a meaningful prayer time as well? I’m not knocking those who are doing this; frankly, I’m just jealous. Oh, I’ve started this family devotion thing at various seasons throughout my parenting career and each time it’s been a habit for about a week. The older kids appear disinterested and uncommunicative while baby-of-the-family, life-of-the-party Maddie climbs all over the couch, expelling bodily function noises and causing the older kids to perk up and laugh at her antics. End of devotions. End of meaningful prayer time. My guilt level rises because family devotions aren’t working. In addition, guilt plagues me with thoughts that I should be playing more with my kids; I shouldn’t let them watch so much television; I should be driving them to school, not making them take the bus; I should make crafts with my kids. I seem to easily forget about the things I am doing to raise my children well, such as playing games with them, reading to them, having meaningful conversations in the car as I drive them to various sports activities.
The list of guilt is endless, isn’t it? I don’t contact my mother-in-law enough; I shouldn’t eat that piece (or bag) of chocolate; I should volunteer more at my child’s school; I should call my friends more often; I’m not doing enough at church or for my small group; I shouldn’t eat out so much; I should eat more healthy; I should exercise more; I should be a better wife, mother, daughter, employee. My guilt and perhaps even yours transcends into the spiritual realm. I should read my Bible more; I should pray more; I shouldn’t have gossiped about that person; I should forgive her; I’m not loving enough; I’m not patient enough. I could find areas of my life to feel guilt over ad infinitum. How do I assuage this guilt?
I’m still in process, but some things I’m learning are:
Give myself permission to do things for me, such as reading, exercising or spending time with friends. Recently, I talked with a friend who has a goal to read 40 books in the next year in order to challenge her mind to continue to grow. My goal is to read meaningful material an hour a day. I’m learning that it is okay to take time to refresh my soul and body; in fact, to be a better woman, wife and mom, it’s vital.
Give myself permission to say ‘no’ in order to say ‘yes’ to the more important. So many times, I’ve said ‘yes’ to wonderful service opportunities out of guilt only to be very sorry later. About two years ago, I was severely overcommitted, leading several small groups and not doing any of them well. Since that time, I’ve learned that just because someone considers me qualified to do something, doesn’t mean I’m the person to do it. I learned the hard way that it’s all right to say ‘no’ to a greater ‘yes’. I prayed about what I should be involved in, how to best utilize my gifts, and where I was most passionate. When you know the place to which God has called you and where He has not, you can avoid the guilt trip.
Give myself and my family the freedom to be different from other families. While I was growing up, I would constantly spout this phrase to my mom, “Linda’s family lets her do _________” to which she would reply, “Well, we aren’t Linda’s family.” Hmmm, seems as if we could put this into practice. Each of us is uniquely and wonderfully created. Not one of us is the same, so that means that the inner workings of our families will be different. I don’t need to feel guilty because I’m not a Barbie-playing, Play-doh-loving mom. It’s unfair to compare myself to my friend who is, because on the flip side, I may do things in my family that cause her to take the guilt trip.
Just in the last week, I’ve heard the word “guilt” more times than I can count. We feel guilty about everything, don’t we? While I don’t want to downplay the role guilt plays in bringing us to our knees before God when we have sinned and need to make things right, so much of our guilt stems from our comparison to what others are doing in their lives. We do need to feel conviction and confess when we have slandered another’s name, harbored unforgiveness, or said harsh words to family members. When God forgives us, He sets us free from the guilt that may linger over our sin. However, we need to be free of guilt in areas that cause us to compare our lives with others and thereby cause us to believe that we are not measuring up or that we are somehow failing. When we are tempted to take that guilt trip, we need to choose to decline that vacation for even a day. Give yourself permission to be different from others and give yourself a much-needed break from that particular trip!
Just in the last week, I’ve heard the word “guilt” more times than I can count. We feel guilty about everything, don’t we? While I don’t want to downplay the role guilt plays in bringing us to our knees before God when we have sinned and need to make things right, so much of our guilt stems from our comparison to what others are doing in their lives. We do need to feel conviction and confess when we have slandered another’s name, harbored unforgiveness, or said harsh words to family members. When God forgives us, He sets us free from the guilt that may linger over our sin. However, we need to be free of guilt in areas that cause us to compare our lives with others and thereby cause us to believe that we are not measuring up or that we are somehow failing. When we are tempted to take that guilt trip, we need to choose to decline that vacation for even a day. Give yourself permission to be different from others and give yourself a much-needed break from that particular trip!
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